


Something to Burn

by geekmystic



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abuse, Autistic Ben Solo, Ben is 23 years old, Broken Heart, Daddy Issues, Demisexual Ben Solo, First Love, First Time, Honeypot, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Virginity, M/M, No HEA, Pansexual Ben Solo, Self-Harm, Toxic Relationship, canonverse, forest blowjobs, light dub/con, tragic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:20:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22733968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geekmystic/pseuds/geekmystic
Summary: Ben Solo has just joined the Knights of Ren. He is having trouble adapting to their lascivious lifestyle. His first attempt at flirting falls flat and the knights tease him. Ren realizes that he's a virgin and offers to help him out.
Relationships: Ren (Star Wars: The Rise of Kylo Ren)/Ben Solo
Comments: 38
Kudos: 145





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> NOTICE: It is NOT bullying me to ask for tags. Don't let other authors tell you otherwise. Please feel free to ask me to tag something, regardless if it's a trigger or just something you weren't expecting to see.
> 
> I don’t anticipate this getting super dark (no noncon). However, this will not be a healthy relationship. There will be toxicity, power imbalance, and some light dubcon. This is going to be a tragic romance.
> 
> This jumps straight off from Rise of Kylo Ren #3, a canon comic book produced by Marvel.
> 
> Ben is 23 years old but also sort of naïve about the wider galaxy. He doesn’t quite know what he got himself into. I also believe he’s autistic (like me) so there will be some things he won’t pick up on until it’s too late. My headcanon is that Ren is in his early 40s, possibly only a few years younger than Leia.
> 
> Planet names, people names, and “synth-spice” are things I made up. Consider this canon divergent.
> 
> If there are things I need to tag, please don’t hesitate to tell me. I don’t want anyone rudely surprised by anything in this story. If you have questions, you can find me on twitter, under @geekmystic. I also have Curious Cat for anon questions.

Ren meant his words literally when he said that they were looking for something to burn. Snoke ordered them to take out a small council government on the main continent of Zerentia. The chancellor of this community had been corrupt, slowly raising taxes among his constituents and pocketing the difference. His citizens lived in squalor while the chancellor lived in luxury. When the knights arrived, the citizens had been terrified of their chancellor, afraid to take action. The Knights of Ren brought hope and _firepower_. They mobilized the community, razed the council hall, and seized the chancellor’s mansion. The council hall now lay in a pile of smoldering ashes. The chancellor's assets had been seized by the community and redistributed.

For the first time in his life, Ben Solo felt like he finally found a way he could use the Force for good in the galaxy. He thought of his mother, toiling away under mountains of paperwork, years and years of trying to get various factions to agree where the Knights of Ren took care of things in a couple of days. The citizens of Zerentia were happy now. No debates, no dawdling, no shady backdoor deals.

That night the chancellor was hanged from the columns of his mansion. As he swung, the knights and the community threw a huge party. The chancellor had a marvelous collection of aged liquors and wines in his basement. Everybody came together to pitch in food. It was an event unlike anything Ben had seen before. His parents drank socially but he couldn't ever remember them being drunk. Their parties were formal affairs with catered dining, not this mishmash of dishes cooked in small, dusty kitchens. Master Luke didn't allow alcohol (or any other mind-altering substances) at the temple. Even though Axoru had managed to smuggle Corellian Whiskey and synth-spice into his hut, there was never enough for Ben to get more than a taste. The whiskey burned and the synth smelled like bantha shit. The one time he tried it, he gagged and retched for an hour. His fellow students gave him hell for weeks over it.

The glass in Ben's hand snapped. Pieces of glass and streams of wine were flung in all directions. The fight with Hennex, Voe, and Tai was still fresh in his mind. It was clear now that he had always been a joke to them. Good with the Force but not much else. He wasn't funny like Borun, or spontaneous like Itoz. Always saying the wrong thing, or belaboring a point long past its expiration date, his 'friendships' with the other students were negligible. Even Master Luke became exasperated at times. A man with all the time in the world to pursue questions and theories of the Force frequently told the young Jedi that he was reaching, pulling on threads that weren't there. Evidently, his questioning scared Master Luke to the point of nearly killing him.

Ben suddenly became aware of fingers snapping inches away from his face. He had become absorbed in the memories of everything in the last few weeks leading up to this moment. So absorbed that he didn't even track what was going on around him. The couple glasses of wine he had imbibed didn't help matters.

“Kriff, Ren! This kid's going to get us killed! He can’t be spacing out like that!” Vicrul shouted.

“Shut the fuck up!” Ren snapped back. “He tore through those battle droids guarding the chancellor like they were puppets. Snoke has spoken for him, therefore we’ll give him a chance.” The stony glare on his face told the rest of the knights that there was no room for argument.

Shame roiled through Ben’s gut. He often lost himself in his thoughts. Two days with these knights and he was already on the edge of being ousted. Only this time, they may just kill him when they were done with him. They would succeed where Master Luke failed. Six powerful fighters against one pitiful Jedi apprentice would be no contest.

Ren leaned over to whisper in his ear. “Kid, I get it. Other than your Jedi friends, this was your first real fight. You handled yourself well. Enjoy the night! I think that twee girl has been eying you. Why don’t you go talk to her?”

A shudder went through Ben’s body. “You mean…” Ben’s face reddened at the thought. Sex was another activity banned by Master Luke. However, it was also an activity that Ben’s fellow students partook in frequently. After a couple of awkward attempts at ‘spin the saber’ when he was about 14, Ben avoided all such games.

“That’s exactly what I mean, kid. Go talk to her. Before Ap’lek beats you to it. You deserve it. A good fuck will clear your head.”

“Um…okay,” Ben agreed. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Swallowing his fear, Ben stood on shaky legs to make his way over to the dessert table. He honestly had no idea if Ren was right or not as he had never attempted ‘a good fuck’, whatever that meant. However, Ben was on a mission from Snoke to join this group of loud, rowdy men. If that meant exploring the pleasures of the flesh, then so be it. He wasn’t a Jedi apprentice anymore, no longer bound to a code of chastity.

Every step closer to the admittedly beautiful woman with light teal skin, Ben became less and less sure of his decision. He knew the basic mechanics, of course. Kissing, touching, penis in vagina. Ben had certainly had the errant thought or two in his life, had taken himself in hand plenty of times. However, the prospect of putting any of those thoughts into practice was suddenly… _terrifying._ Physical touch had always been grating at best, painful at worst. Being Force Sensitive, he could pick up on vague thoughts and emotions through touch which only amplified his physical sensitivity. His step faltered just a few feet away from the Twilek woman, but he knew the Knights were watching him. Gathering up the last bit of courage he had, he walked up to the woman to stand beside her at the dessert table.

Said dessert table became utterly fascinating in that moment. Half-formed sentences rolled around in his brain, not able to settle on any one thought. Should he just ask up front if she would go to bed with him? Or should he try to _seduce_ her? Ben had no clue how to seduce _anyone_. Why couldn’t people just be candid with what they wanted? Why was that looked down on so much in society? More memories of his mother surfaced. He remembers how she would couch demands in polite pleasantries, would ask for one thing but really meant another. It infuriated him to no end.

The woman started to walk away. Without thinking, Ben grabbed her arm and pulled her back to him. “Excuse me! You’re hurting me!” The Twilek woman’s eyes were wide with fear as she struggled to free her arm from Ben’s solid grip.

Not wanting to fail in his mission, Ben sputtered out the words, “I thought…maybe…um…we could…you know?”

Ben’s heart sunk as the woman’s face morphed from fear into rage. “How dare you?! Do you think I owe you sex for saving our community? Well, think again, asshole!” Her knee found itself lodged in his gut in a fierce kick. The shock of it loosened his grip on her arm. Something wet and sticky splashed over his scalp as he held his gut, trying to get his lungs to function again. The woman had dumped her glass of ale on his head. Faintly, Ben heard riotous laughter coming from the table he had just left. The Knights had apparently seen the whole thing. Ben’s face flamed with shame. He hadn’t meant to scare the woman and he certainly didn’t think she owed him anything. Why had he grabbed her arm like that? What had come over him? The self-loathing thoughts started to spiral.

His head down, heart in his stomach, Ben made his way back to the table. Another wave of loud, teasing laughter erupted as Ben took his seat. He wondered if the red of his face would ever go away. His eyes burned as though he were about to cry, clenching his eyes to stave off any errant fluids.

“Kid, what did you say to her?! She was fucking _pissed!_ ” Ren’s chest heaved with the effort to speak through his mirth.

“You looked like you were going to drag her to the nearest cave like a proto-human!”

“Maybe we should leave Ben here and ask the woman to join us!”

Round and around they went. The barbs getting sharper and sharper as the proverbial ball was passed around the table. Jokes were made about his face, his manhood, his age. The Knights’ jokes were more lewd than anything that had been shared at the temple.

“Maybe he likes it when a woman beats him up at first? Is that it, little Jedi? I bet you’re hard as a rock right now getting your guts done in by a woman.” The others laughed harder than ever.

Ben had enough. Slamming his fists on the table, he leapt out of his seat and ran to a grove of trees off to the east side of the mansion. As he ran, he unholstered his lightsaber from its new placement on his back. With a light stoke of his finger, the blade ignited in a brilliant blue streak of lightning, quickly finding an unsuspecting tree to thrust through. The powerful blade was met with no resistance as it plunged into the trunk of a massive tree. The blue light now had a ring of red around it as the wood burned from the heat. Ben ripped the saber from the tree. There was now a perfect red ring that Ben could see through to the other side. However, the redness began to die down quickly.

Every barb the Knights threw at Ben came back to him one by one. For every barb he remembered, Ben violently slashed at the surrounding trees. Several smaller trees now lay on their sides in the grove. The larger trees were becoming unstable. He secretly hoped one of the drier trees ignited, burning the whole forest down with him inside it.

Snap! Ben spun around at the sound of a twig breaking behind him. The tip of his lightsaber was now millimeters from burning the scarred chest of his new master. “Whoa, kid!” Ren raised his hands in a mild gesture of surrender. “I was just checking up on you. Looks like you’re about cut the whole damn forest down.”

Ben cocked his head to the side. “Well, no, I, uh…”

“Kid, stop.” Ren laughed. “It’s a joke. Were jokes not allowed at your little Jedi camp?” Ben opened his mouth to reply but Ren sighed and held up his hand. “That was rhetorical.”

“Oh,” was all Ben could say. He lowered the lightsaber, feeling the threat-fueled adrenaline pass over him. To Ben’s surprise, Ren stepped closer.

“I get it, Ben. At least, I think I do. You’re still green around the gills as they say.”

Struggling to look up to Ren, Ben asked, “What does that mean?”

Ren sighed. Clapping his hands around Ben’s arms, he replied, “It means that you’ve been cooped up with Skywalker and his holier-than-thou ways. If I put a naked woman in front of you, what would you do?”

“I, uh…” Ben felt like his eyes were about to pop out of their sockets.

“Or how about a naked man? Or some other gender?” Ren implored.

“Naked… _man?_ ” Ben’s eyes dragged down Ren’s bare chest. He wondered what had caused all that scarring. To his shame, he felt his cock twitch.

“Ah, I see. The Twilek wasn’t your type.” Ren smiled mischievously, stepping closer to Ben.

“It’s not that. She was beautiful. I just scared her. That’s why she kicked me.” Ben swallowed air. Ren was really close now. The man had beautiful grey eyes that matched his silver hair. His braided hair reminded him of Voe. Ben would never admit it to his fellow apprentices, but he had harbored a soft longing for her. He kissed her once during one of their juvenile games. She had taken him into a utility closet and pressed her lips to his. The action had been slimy and awkward. All he could register was that he now had Voe’s saliva on his mouth. When Ben took too long to respond to her kiss, she huffed and stormed out of the closet.

“I get it. You don’t care about gender. I don’t either, as a matter of fact.”

Something loosened in Ben’s heart. He had never met anyone like himself in that regard, not that he knew of anyway. Most people he knew had a particular set of narrow parameters they looked for in a partner, but not Ben. He always found something beautiful in nearly everyone he met. “No, no, I don’t care about gender,” Ben replied. “I find many types of people attractive.”

The man let go of one of Ben’s arms, reaching up to softly move a lock of raven hair out of Ben’s face. He shuddered and gasped at the light touch. “You’ve never been with anyone, have you? I mean…sexually.”

Shaking his head, Ben replied with a whispered, “No.” His eyes found Ren’s mouth. Ren would know how to kiss, wouldn’t he? He seemed to know what he was talking about.

“That’s okay, kid.” Ren patted his cheek. The soft touch was foreign yet exhilarating. “Everybody has to start somewhere.” Ben watched his lips move. His heart was thumping hard against his sternum, cock twitching almost painfully in his pants.

“Yeah, I, uh, guess so,” Ben breathed. Ren was standing so close to him that he was afraid to breathe. Ben felt like one wrong move would make Ren step away. He _desperately_ didn’t want Ren to step back.

“What if I said I want to give you something to take the edge off?” Ren asked coyly. “It’ll cool your temper, and you’ll be relaxed and happy and have a good night’s sleep. How does that sound?”

“Like medicine?” Ben asked. He was genuinely confused as to what Ren was asking of him.

“No, not like medicine. I mean this.” Before Ben can ponder the question any further, Ren tilted his head and pressed his lips to Ben’s mouth. It was still awkward and wet but Ben sighed into it, letting his lips slot against Ren’s. Ben felt a warm hand on his neck and the heat of Ren’s chest even through his sweater. Ren’s tongue darted out to lap at his lower lip. Ben felt the wetness of it, but it was different from when he attempted this at the temple. Ren’s tongue was soft and warm, and Ben felt lost and cold.

Ren’s tongue lapped at Ben’s lips again. This time, Ben opened for him, letting Ren invade his mouth. The Force seemed to crackle around them, licking up Ben’s spine, encouraging him to receive this gift. Ben’s suspicions were completely confirmed; Ren knew how to kiss. However, Ben was now worried about seeming unpracticed, even though Ren gave no indication that he was troubled about this. His tongue was hot and wet with a hint of the local herbal tobacco that was farmed on Zerentia. Ben wanted to chase it, experimentally twirling his tongue around Ren’s. With a hearty groan, Ren pushed Ben back until he hit the macerated tree, molding himself to Ben’s body. Ben’s arms curled around Ren’s massive, firm body, loving the way Ren overshadowed his slightly smaller build.

Ben whined deep in his throat when Ren broke the kiss. “Was that what you wanted to show me, Master Ren?” Ben was breathless, their chests heaving against each other. He looked down to see both their pants tented. Ben was shocked to see the effect he had on the older man. Ren’s pupils were wide and glassy, his breathing labored. If this was some sort of pity for the lost Jedi, Ren hid it really well.

Silently, Ren slid a hand down Ben’s chest. His hand moved lower and lower until he reached Ben’s belt. “No, that’s not all I wanted to show you,” Ren replied with an air mischief as well as awe. “Can I touch you?” The question coming from such a man, a warrior, someone who could kill him without thinking, made Ben’s heart thrash inside his chest. Ren leaned forward. With his mouth at Ben’s ear, he said, “Ben? Answer me. Use your words.”

The heat of his lips and breath against his neck made Ben squirm in the most delightful way. “Yes. _Please_.” Ben was achingly hard at this point, already planning to relieve himself once they were back in their temporary quarters. He never imagined that Ren might offer to do it himself.

Ren palmed the crotch of Ben’s pants, making Ben groan. The texture of his pants was rough against his sensitive cock, but Ben would take anything to relieve the pressure. Ren laughed, “So polite. I like that.” The small amount of praise had Ben’s head spinning. His hips thrust into Ren’s hand. Ren’s silver eyes caught Ben’s at that moment. His heated gaze made Ben’s belly flop and coil. Slowly, Ren dropped to his knees.

“What? I don’t…” Ben stood stock still with the tree still against his back. Ren now looked up at him with imploring eyes, hands at Ben’s belt.

“I told you that I could give you something that will relax you. Do you want it?” Ben nodded. He would give anything to Ren in that moment. Ren’s hands slowly pulled the belt from its loop, slipping the tongue from the hole, before finally freeing it from the buckle. His hand deftly dealt with the button and zipper of his pants, revealing Ben’s shorts. With a hard pull, Ren lowered the shorts and pants until they were just past Ben’s ass. The cool evening air hitting his exposed cock made Ben hiss. Ren smiled. “Fucking hell, Ben. You’re packing serious heat down here.”

“I, uh, well…” Ben sputtered. He had never seen anything like this in all his life. Ren, on his knees, inches away from his throbbing cock. Ben felt dangerously close to orgasm just looking down at Ren, at just the _thought_ of Ren touching his bare erection.

“I’m going to stroke you now. If you need to cum, just cum. I can handle it.” Ren’s voice was gentle but firm. Ben replied with a sharp nod, too nervous to move more muscles than necessary. A part of him wasn’t entirely sure this was real, as if he’d wake up any minute now from the best dream of his life.

Ren lewdly licked his palm before circling his hand around Ben’s cock, slowly applying pressure, until he formed a tight fist around the appendage, giving Ben one experimental stroke from base to tip. Ben moaned into the night. Nobody had _ever_ touched him like this. He didn’t know being touched could _possibly_ feel like this. Ren repeated the action, causing Ben to thrust into the man’s hand. “You like this? You like me stroking you?” Ren asked.

“I-I do, please, _sir_ …” Before Ben could finish his request, Ren set a furious pace with his hand. His vision blurred and became white. He was so achingly close to cumming. When he felt the press of Ren’s hot and wet tongue against his slit, he howled like a lothcat. In shame, Ben covered his face. He couldn’t believe he was capable of such a wanton sound.

“Ben? Ben? Look at me. _Now._ ” Ben shook his head and obeyed the command. “Nobody is out here. Nobody can hear you. Make all the noise you need to. I _want_ to hear you. I _want_ to hear how much you enjoy this. Look down here.” Ben looked further down to see Ren palming his own groin. With one hand, Ren unfastened his pants, freeing himself from a slit in his shorts. Ben’s mouth watered at the sight. A cock, similar in size to Ben’s, stood proudly from the warrior’s crotch. Ren’s erection twitched under Ben’s eye, a drop of clear fluid dribbling out of the head. “Would you like to fuck my mouth, Ben?”

The question was asked with all the casualness of asking to borrow a friend’s tool. Ben’s mouth sputtered, catching on half-uttered words. After stammering for several seconds while Ren watched on with a grin, he finally managed to grind out a, “Yes.”

“Good. Because I _want_ you to fuck my mouth Ben. I want you to cum down my throat. I can handle whatever you give me.” Ben jaw dropped as he watched Ren descend on his cock. His lips made contact first, causing Ben to whine. There was no way he was going to last longer than a minute. Ren’s lips widened to take in the head of Ben’s cock. His eyes burned as unshed tears threatened to bead at the corners of his eyes. This was so unlike anything he had ever experienced. Just like their kiss earlier, his tongue prodded at the slit, licking up the bit of pre-cum that had leaked out of him. Ben braced himself against the tree, not sure if his knees would hold him up.

Ren slowly took in more of Ben’s cock, his tongue ravaging the underside as he went. He then pulled back until just the head remained, letting his tongue swirl around the tip. “Fuck! Master. Ren. I-I can’t… It feels too…” Ren paid no mind to Ben’s breathy protests. He simply took Ben inside his mouth as deep as he could go. Ben found his hips thrusting to meet the back of the man’s throat.

As he started to pull back, Ben’s hand flew to the back of Ren’s head. This felt too _good_ , too _perfect._ Ren’s eyes flashed. In the Force, Ben felt praise rolling off the Knight. Ren started to sink down again and Ben lost all sense of control. With his hand on the back of Ren’s head, he thrust _hard_ into the back of his throat. In response, Ren hummed around his cock, seemingly pleased. Ben looked down to see Ren stroking himself fiercely. The sight made Ben whimper and thrust again. “I’m so close,” Ben cried out.

The Force licked up and down Ben’s body, begging him to take what was given, to paint the man’s throat white. Ever the good student of the Force, Ben obeyed, using the man’s mouth to get off. Ren hollowed out his cheeks as Ben moved, making the channel tight, wet, and hot. The sounds of Ren slurping along his shaft were so very lewd but it only spurred him on. Ben’s hand fisted Ren’s silver hair, urging him to go faster and faster. “I’m going to… Oh _fuck!!!_ ” Ben screamed as his orgasm rocked his body. His body shuddered, leaning over Ren, trying to shove his cock inside as deep as it would go. His cock throbbed as his spilled his seed into Ren’s gullet.

As Ben’s grip on his hair loosened, Ren stood up. Hand still fisting his own cock, Ren kissed Ben again. He gasped into it, allowing Ren to quickly move into his mouth again. This time, Ben could taste his own cum on the Ren’s tongue. The taste was dizzying. He broke away quickly to whisper in Ben’s ear, “Finish me.” Ren took one of Ben’s hands in his and placed it on his cock. “You know how this works. Just like what you do at night, when you’re desperate to sleep.”

With a nod, Ben pulled his hand away to lick his hand, looking into Ren’s eyes as he did so. The man’s cock was hot and hard as steel in his hand. He gripped it firmly and stroked. Ren gasped, “Tighter, harder.” Ben applied more pressure this time, making Ren groan against Ben’s ear. “Just a little bit more. So _close_ ,” Ren moaned. As Ben stroked him, Ren mouthed at his neck. Blood roared to the place Ren was placing his attentions. Ren’s hips started sputtering, causing him to nip at Ben’s neck. Ben yelped quietly but Ren took no notice, content to thrust into Ben’s tight grip. Ren groaned, deep and feral, as he came all over Ben’s hand. Ben gasped at the feeling of hot spend on his fingers.

Ren pulled his sensitive cock away from Ben’s hand, but his head still rested on Ben’s shoulder. “Fucking kriff, Ben,” Ren growled against his neck. “That was so good. You did so good.”

The tears that Ben had been holding back all night erupted then. In a tremulous, gravelly voice, Ben replied, “Thank you. I-I never…thought…”

“Hush. You don’t have to say anything right now. Put yourself away and go find your quarters. We’ll be leaving at oh-eight-hundred in the morning.”

Slowly tearing himself away, Ren placed one last kiss upon Ben’s lips, before walking off into the darkened forest.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warnings in the end notes! There are several! If I need to add one, let me know!

The _Night Buzzard_ has been Ben's new home for the last several days. He was assigned quarters to himself on the old dungeon ship. The room was small but there was a bed, a nightstand, and a narrow closet with several drawers built in. The mattress was thick, firm, and comfortable. It was certainly more than he had at the temple where he slept on a mat on the ground and a small chest with several personal items and books locked away. Ben supposed those were all gone now. His chest tightened at the memory of his calligraphy set. He guessed he could find another one, but it had been a gift from his mother several years ago, making him loathe to part with it.

Being in a new place, with strange men, and new sights and sounds, Ben needed to feel the calming influence of pen on paper. He tried to remember the drag of his pen as it marked the paper, feel the pen dip and catch on the tiny pits and grooves of the imperfect surface. Luke applauded Ben for copying old Jedi texts by hand. While he did retain the information better, Ben simply found it soothing for his spiraling thoughts and feelings.

However, the memory was not enough. Even though the mattress was more than adequate to hold his large frame, every time Ben closed his eyes, he saw Luke’s green saber drawn above him, or the temple burning, or Hennix dying. A single word spiraled in his brain; _why?_ Why did Luke come for him? Why wouldn’t the other students listen to him? What had he done that was so awful that his hand was forced to kill Luke and Hennix as well as hurt Tai and Voe? Obviously, the temple burned but his fellow students had no reason to believe he set the blaze. Their minds were already set when they arrived.

What must his parents be thinking right now? Did they know anything had happened? Have Voe and Tai contacted the Senate? _Maker!_ Ben cursed inwardly. His former fellow students had probably already talked to his mother, told her some bizarre story of him killing everybody at the temple before burning it down. He wouldn’t be surprised if there was a whole squadron out looking for him. Killing war heroes was generally frowned upon in proper society, after all.

Ben shot up to his feet. Sleep was as far away from him as his mother was. Memories bloomed in his mind as he began to pace his quarters. Leia’s last call had been six months ago where he barely mumbled a ‘hello’ before walking out of Luke’s quarters. Han had called a few months before that but only the audio came through. He was with his team in the Five Sabers course where communication was murky on a _good_ day. Ben was shocked at how much his father’s voice had aged, so shocked that he had no reply for the man that day. He didn’t _hate_ his parents, not on most days anyway. Hatred was reserved for those times when he saw families…being families. Ben seethed when he saw children with their moms and dads, not being corralled by a master who could do no wrong.

Realization dawned in crystal clarity. Ben had been sent away because he was a monster. Sure, Han and Leia framed it as a special privilege to study with his Uncle Luke, but now it was clear. He remembers the last incident before he started hearing rumors of Uncle Luke coming to take him away. It had been late at night and his mother was entertaining fellow senators. Leia had long since sent him to bed. However, the voices from the other room as well as the music swelling and vibrating through the wall made sleep impossible. An errant peel of laughter would make Ben startle, or the clink of a glass would jolt him, or the music would stop and start. The young boy had lost count of the amount of times his heart rattled that night. In the vain hope that maybe he could talk to his mother, he ventured out of the relative safety of his darkened room. The family room was brightly lit, making Ben shield his eyes.

_“Sweetheart, what are you doing up?” His mother held out her hand to him. Slowly, he stepped forward, but his mother became distracted in the few seconds it took for him to get to her and let her hand drop._

_“Momma?” He tugged on her sleeve, getting her attention once again. “It’s loud.”_

_Setting her glass down, Leia sighed. “Ben, you can’t possibly hear anything that’s going on out here. You need to go to bed. No excuses.” She lovingly bopped his nose._

_“But mom! The noise makes my stomach hurt!” Tears budded in his eyes at this point. Little Ben was so very tired. He didn’t_ want _to be up. He very much wanted to go to sleep. Ben didn’t like interrupting people, much preferring to keep to himself. Why couldn’t his mom understand that?_

_“You’re being ridiculous!” Leia hissed loudly. “Now go back to bed!”_

_Tears dripped down his chin at this point, his breathing labored, emotions churning and twisting. He just wanted everything to be quiet, to stop hearing those clinking glasses, gross laughter, and weird music. Ben’s hands flexed and fisted. He tried to breathe but his diaphragm was twisted in knots. A whirlwind seemed to envelop him, and when Ben pushed it out, every single container in the room cleaved in two. The strong smell of various liquors made Ben’s stomach turn. How could anybody drink that stuff?!_

_“Ben Solo!” Leia roared. “How dare you?!”_

_“I’m not Ben!” The little boy covered his ears. “I’m Kylo!” he screamed. “I hate Ben Solo! He’s weak and stupid!” With that, he ran back to his room and threw himself on the floor with his back against the wall. His hands came back over his ears as he rocked back and forth._

_“Child. What has you troubled?” It was a masculine voice that came from inside himself. He called himself Snoke and was powerful in the Force. Even though Ben had never seen him, they could communicate across the light-years._

_Their connection was duplex. Ben could communicate back in the same fashion. “My mom always has people over, and I can’t sleep when there are other people in the apartment. She_ knows _this and she_ never _listens!”_

_“Hmm…” the voice seemed to ruminate. “I felt a disturbance in the Force a moment ago. Was that you, boy?”_

_“I guess? Their glasses and bottles exploded. It’s quiet now.”_

_“Good, good. You stood up for yourself. Your parents will never understand you. You will have to show them what you are at every turn. Just remember, when you are old enough, you will be able to train with me. I will show you power, control, and abilities the Jedi never dreamed of.”_

_Snoke’s words that poured into his head were calming. The disembodied voice always made him feel strong. Soon, Ben stopped rocking and pulled his hands away from his ears. The apartment was silent now. He stood up, feeling like he could breathe for the first time in an hour, and climbed into his bed._

_The next morning, Ben cautiously left his bedroom to find his mother on a call with Han. The door was slightly ajar allowing Ben to hear his father’s voice. Before he could rush in to greet his Dad, Ben heard his mother say, “When he gets like that, I don’t know, it’s like he not even human. My finest crystal is shattered because of some nonsense about the noise making him nauseous. I don’t understand it, Han.”_

_“I don’t know, either. Maybe it’s something to do with all that mumbo jumbo Luke talks about?”_

_“You think I should talk to him? Maybe Luke could take him for a bit. Show him some things.”_

_Ben stepped away before he could hear any more. His stomach soured at his mother’s words._ I’m not human? _What did that mean?! And Luke? Ben knew of him vaguely from stories told by his parents, but he had only met the man a couple times. His lip trembled at the thought of leaving home with a strange man with possibly a new bed, new space, new_ everything _._

In the present, Ben punched the durasteel wall of his quarters. He hissed at the pain as he pulled back and cradled bloody knuckles. Blood oozed out of the torn skin. It was a relief in a strange way, like the anger and fear was seeping out of the torn flesh. Ben looked at his hand and then the wall and back again. Clenching his fist even tighter, he pulled on the Force as he swung at the wall again. This time, he left a dent in the architecture. His hand bled freely, dripping on the floor. Ben cursed, stripping his shirt from his body to cover his injury, and stomped out of his quarters looking for a medkit.

Ren’s ship was an old prison ship and thus didn’t have a lot of lighting. Since the other knights were sleeping right now, only emergency lights were left on to conserve power. Ben pulled up a mental map he made of the ship. His quarters were at the end of the corridor and the small mess hall would be at the other end. Across from that was a supply closet. Ben blindly stumbled down the corridor, holding his throbbing hand close to his chest. When he reached his destination, he struggled to find the door handle.

“Ben?” Ren’s voice was gentle and quiet, but Ben still startled at his sudden presence near him.

“Master! Apologies!” In his spike of fear, Ben wondered if he was doing something wrong. To be fair, in most cases, he was right to be worried.

“Hey, there are no masters here. We only follow the shadow.” Ren’s stony face wilted into something more personable. Ben only felt slightly relieved.

“Right. Of course.” He took several deep breaths to steady himself.

Ren leaned in close, his breath on Ben’s ear. “Though I loved hearing that word while I was playing with your cock.”

Ben stiffened beside the man. He hadn’t exactly been avoiding Ren for the last couple of days, but he tried to remain scarce. The memories of being buried in Ren’s mouth were always threatening to overwhelm him. One glance of his face, his lips, his hands, was enough to send him back to that night. Ren had not said two words to him in between that time. Now that he was directly referencing the event, Ben’s cock began to stir. In shame, his face and chest flushed.

Chuckling lightly, Ren continued, “Kid, you need to relax. Now why are you rooting around in the closet for?”

“This.” Ben dumbly held his covered hand out to him. “I need bacta.”

Ren mutely took his hand in both of this, slowly unwrapping the appendage. Ben hissed as the fabric pulled on his torn skin. “Damn, who were you fighting in your quarters in the middle of the night?”

“Bad memories,” Ben replied truthfully. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Okay, kid.” Ren sighed. “Go to your quarters. I’ll bring you some bacta.” Ben peered up at him. The thought of being alone with Ren made him shiver. “Go.” Ren ordered.

The corridor felt much longer now than it had before. Ben felt winded by the time he reached his quarters which had nothing to do with physical exertion. The door slid open and Ben stumbled in to sit on his bed. Seconds later, Ren strode in with a box of patches. In the full light of his quarters, Ren looked angelic. His silver hair and pale skin glistened. Even the scarring on his chest took on a transcendent quality. He was _beautiful_. Ben’s heart leaped out of his chest as Ren sat by him on the bed.

The man took Ben’s hand gently into his own. It seemed impossible that such a large man could handle anything with such care. He gingerly stretched out Ben’s hand and laid it on his thigh, softly telling him to, “Keep it there for a second.” He reached over to his other side to open the pack of patches, pulling one out, and setting the box aside. He tore open the protective packaging to reveal a transparent patch that would steadily release bacta when applied to living tissue.

“You haven’t said much the last couple of days.” Ren said flatly. It was neither an accusation nor praise.

Ben hissed as the cool patch touched his heated skin. “I don’t have much to say.”

“I somehow doubt that.” Ren chuckled as he leaned back to rest on his palms. Ben’s hand remained on the man’s leg.

After a brief silence, Ben pulled his hand back and muttered, “I don’t transition well.”

Ren sat up again. “What does that mean?”

“I, uh, it’s hard to explain.” Ben ran his good hand through his hair, not quite looking at Ren. “Um, when I was sent to Master Skywalker, I didn’t sleep for a week. Everything was so strange and new. I would close my eyes and see my home and then open them to see the thatched roof of a hut. Every sound was foreign and loud. It’s the same now. I keep expecting to wake up under that thatched roof. This ship sounds…gloomy.” Ben heaved a sigh. It was the most he had said in days. Admitting all this out loud seemed to deplete him.

“Well, you aren’t wrong. I can sometimes feel the echoes of the prisoners who traveled on this ship. People who did sick shit and got caught. Slivers of their shadows remain behind.”

“I don’t know…if I want to be around that.” Ben admitted. He had enough trouble sleeping without sensing the nightmares of people who have come before.

“Look, the shadow, the Dark Side, whatever you call it, it’s all about taking control. I could let myself be seduced by the echoes, but I don’t. You control your destiny, Ben, just as I control mine. Let the past die. _Kill it,_ if you have to. You can be. Whatever. You. Want.”

Something black and slick licked at Ben’s mind. It wasn’t exactly _hope_ that he was feeling. Whatever emotion it was, it offered a measure of relief. Perhaps this is why Snoke asked him about his true name. Turning to face Ren, Ben confessed, “I want to be Kylo. Ben is a ghost of the past, an old Jedi who hid away like a coward.”

Ren’s hand clutched at Ben’s shoulder. “I like it. _Kylo._ Rolls off the tongue. _Kylo Ren_ sounds even better. I have a feeling people will one day hear that name and bow down to you.”

Ben laughed and sighed. Looking down at the floor, he grumbled, “I highly doubt that. Most people just try to get rid of me, pass me off to someone else.”

“Hey, look at me.” Ren reached across to cup Ben’s cheek, forcing Ben to look at him again. “At least one person has bowed down to you already.”

“What? I don’t understand.” Ben’s heart fluttered under Ren’s touch.

“Well, I got on my knees for that beautiful cock of yours, didn’t I?” Ren’s face was smug. Ben couldn’t help but smile shyly as his face and chest flushed. “Did you think I had forgotten, _Kylo_?”

Shaking his head, Kylo replied, “No. I didn’t. It’s just…a _lot_ …to think about.”

“And what do you think about?” Ren asked softly.

Kylo placed his hand over Ren’s, sliding it from his face to clasp it in both of his. “I’ve never felt anything like that in my entire life. I guess,” he swallowed thickly. “I guess I finally understand why people chase after it so much.” Kylo focused on Ren’s hand, letting his thumb trace the lines of Ren’s calloused palm.

“Yet you’ve been quiet,” Ren stated.

Kylo breathed deeply. He always struggled putting words to his emotions. The only reply he had for Ren was, “I’m sorry.”

Ren laughed. “What are your apologizing for?” Kylo opened his mouth to answer but Ren stopped him. “No. Don’t. The Knights of Ren? We don’t make a habit of apologies. Also, you did nothing wrong. In fact, it was pretty fantastic on my end.”

“I’m not sorry it happened.” Kylo paused a moment to smile at the memory. “I…well…if I think about it too much, I feel like I’ll lose myself.”

“That’s not always a bad thing, you know.” Ren grinned, as if remembering himself.

“That’s not what the Jedi would say.” The face of Master Skywalker flashed before him. _No attachments. Attachments lead to jealousy which leads to fear._

“Fuck the Jedi, Kylo. That’s all in the past.”

“Let the past die.” Kylo breathlessly echoed Ren from before.

“Exactly.” Ren leaned forward, finding Kylo’s lips with his own. The act was as new and surprising as the first time, but absolutely not unwelcome. Kylo’s eyes fluttered shut as he pressed into the kiss. His lips were hot and a bit chapped, but Kylo loved the roughness against his softness. It felt _real_.

Freeing his hand from Kylo’s, Ren touched his chest, sliding his fingers up and around Kylo’s neck. Kylo felt something akin to a purr come out of this throat. He was shocked that such a needy sound could escape him. Even more shocking was that Ren only pressed in more in response, nipping at his lower lip. The slight scrape of Ren’s teeth caused his cock to stir. Ren licked into his parted mouth. Kylo thought he could taste the air of the ship on the man’s tongue; durasteel, gasses, and heat. The heat was what Kylo craved most. The galaxy had felt cold all his life, cold and distant, and now he had finally found a source of warmth.

Breaking the kiss, Ren stood and faced Kylo, who could only look up at him in awe. Gently, he urged Kylo, “Lay down for me.” Kylo swallowed a lump of air and slowly leaned back, lifting his feet off the floor to join the rest of his body. He felt awkward laying in bed with someone watching him. Kylo turned his head to ask him if this was what he wanted but his stomach soured. His eyes clamped shut and his hands came up to offer another barrier of protection. Thin, spider-like tears secreted out his tightly shut eyes.

The mattress dipped beside him, and Kylo turned to his side in response. He was ashamed to be crying like a child and even more ashamed that he couldn’t even figure out why. Weight pressed into the mattress behind him and long arms wrapped around his middle. To Kylo’s utter shock, Ren had laid down behind him and embraced him. The pressure was awkward at first, but the feeling of terror was slowly unknotting in his belly. Warmth, Comfort, Relaxation, and other things he hadn’t felt in years replaced his fear. Even though Ren’s arms were heavy, Kylo felt like he could breathe for the first time in ages. His tears abated and his diaphragm relaxed enough for Kylo to take in a deep breath.

“I won’t tell anyone. You’re not the first one to be randomly reminded of some ugly shit that happened.” Ren gripped him tighter. Kylo gasped as Ren placed a kiss on his shoulder. He had shied away from physical touch all his life, but Ren was different somehow. Every touch of his fingers or lips was like a spark off a live wire. Ren trailed a line of heated kisses from the corner of his shoulder to his neck. His hands traced patterns along his abdomen. Ren’s hips dug into his own. Kylo quivered under Ren’s ministrations. “Let me touch you. I want to make you feel good.”

Kylo nodded and then groaned as Ren’s hand quickly dipped underneath his pants to find him hard and ready. Ren fisted him in a tight grip, making Kylo whine from white-hot pleasure. “Fuck, Kylo, I wish I was your age again.” Ren steadily stroked Kylo’s cock. Kylo could barely pay attention to Ren’s words. “You get hard in seconds, so responsive. You like that? Having your cock stroked with a firm hand?”

“I do,” Kylo groaned. His hips thrust into Ren’s hand.

“That’s it. Fuck my hand. Come apart for me.” Ren’s voice hissed in Kylo’s ear. The low timbre caused heat to furl and unfurl in his belly. Kylo planted a hand on the wall in front of him, as if bracing for some sort of impact. Ren maintained a tight grip as Kylo furiously fucked into his hand. The tightness and heat of his fist was glorious.

Every frustration from the last few days unwound as Ren worked him with calloused hands. Kylo could feel Ren’s own hardness against the cleft of his ass. Thoughts swirled in Kylo's mind of exactly what Ren could to him. Kylo, though naïve in a lot of ways, knew the basics. Though he had never thought about being penetrated before, the thought was intoxicating now.

Kylo came with a shout into the durasteel wall. Ren lovingly milked his sensitive cock, teasing each drop of spend his body could muster. With shaky hands, Kylo pulled Ren's hand away from him.

Ren laughed as he sucked a tender spot on the back of Kylo's neck, making him shiver and huddle closer. “You have such a pretty cock. I don't want to let go.”

Turning around in the cramped bed, not caring that he might lay in his own spend, Kylo looked at the man quizzically. “It's just an appendage. I wouldn't say it holds any aesthetic value.”

The man placed a hand on Kylo's face with a smile and said, “You've got a lot to learn, kid.”

Kylo gazed into Ren's grey eyes. “Will you teach me?”

“There are no masters here,” Ren replied sullenly.

“Right.” Kylo flopped to his back, trying not to sound dejected.

After several awkward seconds, Ren huffed and lifted himself to hover over Kylo. “This…” Ren touched Kylo’s chest and slid it down to his groin, making him stifle a whine. “It isn't taught. You just do what feels right. What do you feel like doing, Kylo?”

Kylo’s brow furrowed in confusion. “I don’t know.”

Ren laid on his side, flinging an arm over Kylo’s abdomen. “Don’t think about it. Just do it.”

His eyes widened in shock. Kylo had often refrained from acting in certain situations because he overthought them. The times he did react quickly, usually did more harm than good. “I can’t.”

With frustrated sigh, Ren stood up and ordered Kylo to get up with him. “Stand up. Get in front of me.”

Sheepishly, Kylo followed the command. However, before Kylo could raise up to his full height, Ren backhanded him across the face. Kylo spun around and caught himself on the bed. A drop of blood dripped from the corner of his mouth. “Get up! Defend yourself!” Ren shouted.

With shaky hands, Kylo rose up again. He was met with another backhanded slap, this time to the other cheek. “What are you doing?! You just going to take it?! Fight me!” Ren roared

That same oily slick that was not-quite-hope fell over him again and fueled his adrenaline. If Ren wanted to fight, Kylo would fight him. With no hesitation, Kylo came up swinging, punching Ren in the jaw. His head swung around with a sickeningly quick velocity. Before Ren could get his bearings, Kylo grabbed his shoulders and pinned him to the wall, wrapping his hands around Ren’s throat.

In response, Ren let out a throaty, gargling chuckle. “There it is...” Ren heaved in an effort to get air past Kylo’s hands. “Did you…have to…think?”

Kylo growled, moving his hands from the man’s throat and sliding them down to clench around Ren’s biceps. He pressed in close to meet his lips with Ren’s in a bruising kiss, not caring if it was too much or too little. Both men groaned as the injuries in their faces were jostled but neither seemed to care. Ren’s mouth parted and Kylo slid his tongue along his, tasting darkness and heat. Kylo felt Ren relax as the kiss deepened and moved his hands from Ren’s biceps to his chest. He hummed into Ren’s mouth at the ridged scarring on his chest. The striations soothed Kylo like a familiar lullaby. Sinking into his lust, Kylo leaned down to kiss a particularly rough section of scarring.

To Kylo’s surprise, Ren pushed him away. “What…what’s wrong?” Kylo’s stomach immediately sunk through the floor in fear. This is what always happened when he acted without thinking.

However, it was Ren’s turn to shy away and look apologetic. “Nothing…nothing. Uh, nobody touches me there.”

“I’m sorry,” Kylo whispered in shame.

Ren, to Kylo’s surprise, pulled him close again. “Don’t apologize. Nobody _wants_ to touch my scars.” Ren laughed softly.

“But I do,” Kylo insisted. He lifted a hand and placed it on Ren’s chest. Kylo’s thumb stroked a deep scar over his pectoral muscle. “I like it. It’s soothing. I had a tooka doll as a child with bumps and ridges. When I was upset, I would rub my hands over it until I wasn’t sad anymore. I eventually wore the doll down until it was smooth.”

“Maybe you’ll do the same to mine.” Ren smiled and kissed Kylo again. His hands found Kylo’s hips to bring him close and grind against him. Kylo gasped into Ren’s mouth at the feeling of hardness between the man’s legs. He pressed his hands into the scarring on Ren’s chest, his fingers tracing patterns as if Ren was a canvas that Kylo was writing on. His fingers traced letters and promises into the man’s skin, stopping at the waistband.

“Can I…uh…” Kylo stammered on the words. _Just say it!_ Kylo begged of himself.

As though sensing his thoughts, Ren unbuttoned the fly of his pants to pull his erection out. Kylo slowly lowered his head to gaze at him. His member was long and thick, the head weeping in anticipation. Kylo kissed Ren again, then leaned down to catch a particularly gnarly scar on his chest between his lips, making Ren hiss. If it hurt him, Ren didn’t say anything. Kylo sucked at the unique pattern of ridges and pits, finding some form of comfort and calm in them. He marked his way down Ren’s chest as Ren’s breathing quickened. Eventually, Kylo had to dip down to his knees to kiss and suckle at Ren’s pelvic line. Kylo was now face to face with Ren’s cock. Their positions from the other night were now reversed. It occurred to Kylo to return the favor.

“You see that, Kylo? You did that to me. Your angelic face, your toned body… God, the things I want to do to you!” Ren’s cock twitched as he spoke, nearly spooking Kylo. His hand came up under Kylo’s chin, gently forcing him to look up. “You want to try getting me off with your mouth?” Kylo could only stare up at the man, trembling with nervousness but also lust. Ren’s laughed quietly. “Start slow. Give it a lick.”

Kylo’s cheeks heated up at the suggestion. It was so… _undignified_ …but he would be lying if he said he didn’t want to try. He gently grasped Ren’s flushed cock in his hand. As Kylo leaned in, he noticed a sweet but masculine smell that made his mouth water. Tentatively, Kylo licked the side from base to tip. Ren’s hand snapped to clutch at the wall behind him, his head rolling back in a low moan. “L-lick u-u-underneath.” Kylo complied, causing Ren to moan even louder. “Swirl your tongue over the head.” Kylo happily complied once again. This time, his tongue caught the bead of pre-cum that had pooled at the head. Now it was Kylo’s turn to moan.

“You like that, don’t you? God, you’re a natural. Fuck!” Ren yelped. Kylo repeated the motion, licked up the vein underneath and circling the head. “God, please, let me fuck your mouth.” Kylo halted his movement. Could he do it? Ren was so large. Surely, he would asphyxiate. “Come on, try it. Go as slowly as you need to.”

With a nod, Kylo stared at the head of Ren’s cock as if it were a snake about to bite. Nerves fluttered in his belly. Would it be good for Ren? What if he hurt the man? What if Ren kicked him out of the Knights of Ren and Snoke punished him for his failure? Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Kylo lined up the head of Ren’s cock with his mouth. His tongue caught the head first, making Ren sigh with relief. Kylo slowly enclosed his mouth around the head of Ren’s cock. Ren’s groan made Kylo shiver. Slowly, Kylo sucked more of him into his mouth, soon hitting the back of his throat, making him gag slightly.

“That’s good. That’s good. God, fuck, yes! Stroke the base with your hand. God, your mouth is a fucking miracle!” Kylo whined around Ren’s cock at the praise that was being showered on him. With every pass, Kylo swirled his tongue around the head, eliciting a pleased whine out of Ren. As Kylo found his rhythm, his throat relaxed around the intrusion, allowing Kylo to take him in deeper. The whines and moans coming out of Ren had Kylo feeling like he was floating. Kylo decided then and there that he could do this all day long, just to hear Ren fall apart.

As Kylo sucked down near to the base, Ren’s hand flew to the back of his head. Kylo’s eyes flew up to meet Ren’s. The man looked apologetic and took his hand away. Kylo pulled off to say in a throaty voice, “Keep it there.” A wicked grin enveloped Ren’s face as he gleefully placed his hand back on Kylo’s head. Kylo lined up his cock again and let Ren thrust into his mouth. The low growl out of Ren made Kylo’s head spin again. Kylo let his jaw relax, willing to be used as a hole to fuck.

“God, I’m almost there. I’m so fucking close. You gonna let cum down your throat? Fuck!” Ren sounded almost pained, as if he was holding back. Kylo, remembering how his own spend had tasted on Ren’s mouth, hummed around the cock in his mouth. “Oh god, oh fuck! Do that again!”

Kylo tried to hum a simple tune but Ren’s thrusts were becoming more pointed and erratic. It was hard to concentrate while watching Ren lose control. Electricity coursed through Kylo’s body knowing _he_ was the one that made Ren fall apart, that he was even capable of bringing pleasure to someone.

Ren came with a grunt and a growl. Heated, bitter spend landed on Kylo’s tongue and he happily took it all, letting the heat warm him up in this cold and lonely ship. “Come here,” Ren commanded. Kylo stood and Ren wasted no time spinning him around until _his_ back was against the wall, crashing his lips with Kylo’s. Ren’s tongue invaded his mouth and Kylo gladly accepted. However, before the couple could find a rhythm, the ship rocked and buckled underneath their feet.

Ren pulled away, his eyes wide in anger. Kylo asked, “What was that?!”

“Nothing good! Come on, kid!” Ren ran out of Kylo’s quarters and Kylo followed. “Alright, assholes, get up! We’re under attack! Get your lazy asses up!” Ren screamed as he fled down the hall. Slowly, the other knights filed out of their quarters with groans and grumbles. “Battle stations! Now! Kylo! Take aft starboard gunner!”

Kylo pulled away from Ren to head back in the direction he came from. Aft starboard was near his quarters. The turret was just beside the door. Kylo quickly slid the hatch open and jumped in, and slammed the headset on his head. Before he could get his bearings, another blast rocked the ship. What he saw made his heart sink. It was the _Verity_ and he could sense Tai and Voe on the other side. Tai was frightened but Voe was radiating rage. She had been the one to shoot first.

A bolt fired from forward aft of the _Night Buzzard_ , glancing off the port engine. Through the headset, Ren’s voice came fast and harsh. “Alright assholes, Kylo’s friends have made an appearance. Let’s introduce them to the Shadow.”

Vicrul came through the headset next. “Wait, who the fuck is Kylo?!”

“Fuck!” Ren shouted. “Ben is now Kylo. And his old playmates want their toy back.” Snickers and guffaws erupted from the others. Kylo remained silent. There was no joy in this for him. He had spent the last 13 years with Tai and Voe, knew them better than his own parents. A beep in the headset told Kylo that a private channel had been opened. “Hey kid, remember what I said about a good death? This is your chance. How much do you want it?”

“I, uh…” Ben stuttered.

“Well, doesn’t matter either way. It’s either us or them. Fucking Kriff!” Ren was cut off by a blast to the _Buzzard_ ’s main engine. Voe had always been a decent shot. Kylo fed off the rage she was radiating, letting the murderous thoughts envelop him. He _would_ survive this. He _had_ to. There was a promise of thousands bowing before the mighty Kylo Ren that he had to see through, if only because Ren had said as much. The other knights fired off shots, but the _Verity_ evaded them effortlessly. The _Buzzard_ maneuvered such that Kylo could see the durasteel glass of the bridge. Staring at the last remnants of his old life, Kylo fired three shots in succession. At such close range, the _Verity_ didn’t have time to evade. The three shots ripped the ship in two.

The knights hooped and hollered, congratulating Kylo on his excellent aim. Two more shots were fired to atomize the _Verity_. The auras of Tai and Voe vanished from the Force and Kylo was suddenly alone in his head again. He had killed the last of Master Skywalker’s students. Even if he hadn’t started the fire at the temple, or defended himself against Luke, there would be no going back from this. Nobody would believe him now.

Slowly, Kylo lifted the headset from his brow and placed it in its holder. He struggled to free himself from the turret, his panic rising at being in the enclosed space. As he stepped out, the other knights were there, celebrating their victory. For the first time since joining them a week ago, the knights seemed to see something of worth in him. However, Kylo couldn’t find it in himself to join the celebration.

Kylo was saved by the sound of Ren stomping through the corridor. “You idiots! We’re not in the clear yet! Those pissant kids took out our main engine. We’ll be lucky to make it to Daxam IV on aux power.”

The mood was instantly soured. With grumbling and sniping, the knights each returned to their quarters. Kylo remained in the corridor, transfixed by Ren. They stared at each other silently for several seconds before Ren spoke up. “I can feel the shame rolling off you. You didn’t even deliver the killing blow.” His voice became low and dangerous. With a finger pointed at Kylo’s face, Ren added, “I don’t know if anyone told you, kid, but you either join us or die trying. There is no going home to mommy if it doesn’t work out.” Ren pulled his finger away and stomped off to the bridge.

At his words, Kylo could barely contain the trembling that threatened to surface. With robotic, stilted movements, Kylo entered his quarters. Once the door shut, tears fell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warnings:
> 
> Self-harm: Ben/Kylo punches the wall and hurts his hand. He keeps doing it in an effort to release his emotional pain.
> 
> Abuse: Ren slaps Kylo to get a reaction out of him. Kylo fights back.


End file.
